“ALONE , SURROUNDED BY EVERYTHING”
Somedays I did not want to be around nobody. My spirit was tired of answering the same old question: “what´s wrong?”
Somedays I just simply did not want to feel that everyone in the room was looking at me , noticing my insecurities and my fears. Somedays I didn´t feel strong enough to get up , get ready and “react”. That was the “introduction part” of a life I´m now so amazed about.
Please don´t allow yourself to feel sorry reading this. I´m writing from a beautiful place , a place I´ve never been before and if I´m writing this today best believe God is using my words to speak to you as well and that alone is a blessing so there´s absolutely nothing here to feel sorry about.
The days I mentioned before were days where my self-esteem was absent , I hated my body , I hated mirrors , I felt that I didn´t fit anywhere.
“That” Iris didn´t obviously believe in God. There´s no way you can believe in God if you “reject” what he “created”. There´s no room for faith in rooms that are empty of love and if I didn´t love myself…I don´t even need to finish the sentence…right?
I healed myself. I´ve fall in love with who I am , what my body looks like , I´ve dedicated time to myself , I´ve allowed myself to cry , to be vulnerable , to be whatever I wanted to be and to feel whatever I wanted to feel. I found the “love” I failed to give to myself…in God.
God made me understand why I had to go through all of that. I´ve accepted the storms because they created inside of me things that I would never be able to accomplished during sunny days. The storms became just a chapter of a life that leaded me to find my purpose and my faith…the storms feel worthy now because I see where the waters of my tears were meant to take me afterwards and not only that…I´m thankful for everything , even what I still don´t understand , I simply trust that me “trusting” will lead me to a better understanding of my life…my past , my presence and my purpose.
There´s a lot of blessings , failures , good , bad , beautiful and not so beautiful things , days , nights , ups and downs that happened during my “before” and “after” God “existence” but today I want this story to start exactly here…me , alone in Paris , on my knees , in the center middle side of the Basilica of the Sacred Heart. We can start by saying that “before” I would never , notice how I say ne-ver , enjoy my own company , I didn´t feel enough or maybe I just didn´t find in myself things that I believed only “others” would be able to give me.
“After” I realized that I was unconsciously committing mental suicide…being alone and having lonely moments started to feel like a holy and safe place to be. The moments I´ve spent alone made me feel extremely connected with God and to be honest I started enjoying not needing to “get closer to God” (as all of us start saying after 1 busy/chaotic week of work that disconnected us from our higher forces) I didn´t need to “get closer” , I was constantly closer and connected to God and that started to fill spaces nobody around me was worthy of. The moments I´ve spent alone made me “hear God´s voice” , “God´s whispers”…the moments I´ve spent focus made me receive the signs on time…no “worldly delays”.
This is where I am , traveling alone , feeling full , blessed , surrounded and guided by God. I walked in…was a good hair day , I had my essential white pants , my white air forces 1´s , my long black leather jacket and a black top. I picked my seat I got on my knees , had my headphone on , I played my worship playlist repeatedly and this is where the tittle of this story came from ”alone , surrounded by everything”.I would need to write 10 more pages to explain that “alone” for me , “now” , doesn´t hurt , doesn´t bother , doesn´t feel empty , silent or quiet…I was alone surrounded by so many people and I felt filled. I felt peace. I couldn´t stop looking at this giant Jesus image…he was wearing a white robe , he was in peace as well. He had a “light smile” on his eyes and every time I moved my eyes and went back to the image , it felt like his hair moved…the atmosphere was calm , beautiful and nothing else outside of that space really mattered.
I found myself in the same position , for 30 minutes or more I wasn´t counting. I was feeling my neck getting wet. I was feeling that people were looking at me not trying to find my “insecurities or my fears” , , as people “looked at me before” , this time around they were trying to figure why “this cool” girl was crying…or maybe not idk…it just did not matter to me. I felt that I was focused on the only thing that actually matter and realizing and “visualizing” that moment of myself in my mind made me feel serenity and a type of peace I don´t remember to feel ever before…a peace that was right between the edge of the absence of fear and self-love. A peace that was so confident , so true , so genuine , so present…it felt divine and holy. I felt like “my dad had me on his arms”…”ma God”I felt so many things.
I went to Paris looking for inspiration for my clothing line and every second I´ve spend inside of that place felt like a dialogue between me and God. Thanks God for Travis Scott I can quote “he filled my mind up with ideas”. We made me see things , I had my eyes opened but some moments felt like my eyes were closed and I was seeing things…felt like I was dreaming during the day , far away from home…from my bed. I cried of joy…I cried because that moment made me understand a little deeper why I had to feel “scared of being alone” before. I cried because I didn´t feel judge by nobody´s eyes…because closer to a year ago God “said” this clothing line is supposed to be between me and you and it felt like because I kept things for myself…my commitment…took me to that moment.
If you feel alone surrounded by “everything” I want you to inspire you to disconnect yourself from “things” that this society inserted inside of you. If you never went to have dinner alone…try to do it. If you never went to watch a movie alone…go ahead. If you think that people are looking at you because there´s something “wrong” with you…try to start looking at them back…be present , be proud of who you are…you will start noticing that people look at you because maybe they feel intimidated and all this years you never looked back to them to figure that out. If you think that you have to “be” or “do” something and you need “instagram” approval or whoever it is…try to delete the app from your phone for a week.
Today , I want to inspire you to fight back…fight your fears , fight the destiny you´re so confused about…”show up” even when your legs are shaking. I promise you , you will find God when you start finding yourself and getting comfortable with “the person he created you to be”.
I wrote this on the airplane coming back home. When I landed in Lisbon and I opened my phone…after I missed 2 flights , left my bag in Paris , this was the 1stimage that popped up in my Instagram feed:
“The fear of being alone is really the fear of being with yourself (your own mind). For
one who has done the inner work , solitude is the greatest source of joy.”
To that I would just add…a pleasant solitude is the greatest source of joy and the purest form of self-love.Whoever will love me and marry me , I just simply want to love myself so deeply that “another” human being would feel safe being in love with me and the absence of their love will never make “my love” disappear and because of that we will have enough love for both of us and even if when everything happens to fall apart , we will still have a room full of love and faith to lean on.
If you got here , I really believe this was meant to be…for both of us! I pray that God will help you heal , listen , understand , wake up and “react”. Keep walking , keep moving , keep praying , keep trying to find yourself , keep trying to put God 1stin everything that you do.
I´m not writing to “prove” my faith to nobody…I´m writing because I would love to do for others what nobody was ever able to do for me , not because I didn´t have my loved ones trying to help me but because I was never able to explain “what was wrong with me” and nobody can help what they cannot understand.
“I understand you” and “I see you” feels as good as hearing someone saying “ I love you” and that is exactly what I want to say to you…”I understand you , I see you”.